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There is this person I know. For the longest time that I can remember, I’ve looked up to her for being the ideal one. I’ve spent countless hours trying to be like her and innumerable breaths on aligning myself with her.

I’ve admired her ability to remain poised at the most awkward situations. I’ve tried to carry broad shoulders and stand tall like her. I’ve consciously put in the effort to smile just as delicately. I’ve tried to be like the rays of warming sun on a winter morning, she glows like a glow bug at nights too; lighting up wherever she goes.

She seems to have the strength to empathize with most people and remain approachable to everyone around her. Her laugh is like a jingle and she sways like a feather descending the evening breeze. She screams contentment like no one knows.

She knows exactly what to wear and has a body like there is nothing to care. She is effortless, whether in pearls or dark eyeliner. She has meaningful friendships and the bonds with her family ooze understanding and comfort.

She volunteers for causes that are close to her, travels often, works out everyday and is honest about eating clean. She doesn’t use plastic and has a small but a well-kept and vibrant garden. She is a versatile cook and pays all her bills in time.

This woman, I’ve met quite often. She lives in my head. She has had her name written all over my biggest plans and sometimes on the smaller ones as well.

For some time now, I’ve not been as welcoming of her as I was. It’s about age, maybe, or a matter of decision to place myself before the rest. One day which was like any other, after years of being disappointed in comparison to the ideal, I decided. I made the decision to not let her get any bigger than she already is. I made a pact to give myself a try. I decided to accept myself as a package deal and try and make the most of it. I’m taking baby steps.

Now, I’m beginning to feel comfortable with the idea of not always having perfect hair. I’ve realized that heels make me wobble and maple loaded pancakes are my true therapy of choice. I tend to become overly expressive and loud sometimes, and other times put distance because I need to.

I splash a lot of water while I swim and feel contentment with a rather small and intimate circle. I often get into disagreements with my parents and arguments with my siblings. I love my PJs and Netflix weekends and roll while clutching onto my stomach never-so-seldom. Some days I choose to stay up late and enjoy the party even though I’m aware that I’m going to miss the morning run. I’m making peace with the fact that inconsistent workout is better than no work at all.

For the love of nature I have two indoor plants that I’m grateful for and my room is always naturally well lit, because closing the blinds is a task. I go crazy when I see the rains, watch a sunrise or just chance upon a rainbow, so much so that people think I’m having spasms while I’m just doing my happy dance. I take the floor whenever I see a puppy and don’t care of the sand on my pants.

I’m still working on it as sometimes the other woman clouds my thoughts. I waver in my resolve and wonder if I would be better being a little more like her. Reading the newspaper is still not a routine but I try to make the most of all the knowledge available around me. And for days when I can’t seem to get my head around myself, I have a post it on my mirror reminding me- “You’re Doing Just Fine”.

I take more time for myself now. I spend time in my own company every once in a while and compare notes on my feelings. I’ve come to understand that there is more me in how I feel than anyone else. I’m taking baby steps. Some say I’ve changed, but I’m learning to take that as a compliment on my progress.

I’m working on breaking the walls that my wise self helped me construct ever since I heard something intriguing-

the walls aren’t always saving me,

they are sometimes just limiting me

Some More Music

12 responses to “Walls”

  1. runversation Avatar

    Such a beautiful post… I’m glad that you have found a self between that ideal woman and the ordinary one .. and I am happy that you accept people as a package in whom good and bad, consistency and irregular behaviours, peace and nauthyness resides coexists… And most of all, because you have accepted life in all its forms.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Ritu Avatar

    Hi dear, beautiful post, again u poured ur heart out.. u express so beautifully, perfectly in a rhythm.. contentment is the best feeling.. and there is nothing like self contentment.. over the time i have learnt if u don’t accept urself, who else will.. so love urslef for what you are and what u want to become.. love ur words.. by the way who is she

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thehazywhisperer Avatar

      Hi! Thank you for the love.
      She is a figment of my imagination. A combination of multiple people- men, women, public figures.


    2. thehazywhisperer Avatar

      She (or he) is a being that almost everyone carries around. You could call it the demon or the aspiration.


  3. Jordan_things Avatar

    Such a lovely post ..I crossed in the recent times. Once again you proved only a woman can understand and beautifully express the woman. Be yourself and love yourself , Don’t bother about the world. If the world doesn’t favour your wish , try to accept it genuinely .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thehazywhisperer Avatar

      Hi! Thank you for the love.
      But just out of curiosity, do or don’t men too go through the same battle within them?


      1. Jordan_things Avatar

        Men undergo a lot of battles between their inside and outside world. We mostly try to balance it, moreover we are not so good at expressing feelings

        Liked by 1 person

      2. thehazywhisperer Avatar

        So you mean to say that this battle of inside vs outside isn’t really gender oriented or based?


  4. Neerja Avatar

    Very beautifully expressed!
    Society has created a benchmark for everything and hence everyone once in a while is a victim of ‘how we should be’ than ‘how I would like to be’
    It’s always good to remind ourselves- Me feeling happy and content is far better than You thinking I’m perfect.
    Again kudos to your thought process and beautiful writing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thehazywhisperer Avatar

      Everyone you meet, becomes a part of you in some way. A part of this thought process is inspired by you. So, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. priyatolasariya Avatar

    This is beautiful Punita and so well expressed. 🙂


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