Of Myself, To Myself

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife”, said Austen.
And I always wondered what happens to her family after?

Half a year ago, or you could just say two seasons ago, I knew I was to soon shift cities, change my last name, create a new place, make new relations, understand and define boundaries for myself…. re-invent myself.
It is like taking the last quarter of a century’s work and treating it like base work and starting to understand oneself all over again in an absolutely new setting, surrounded by a new mindset, with new house rules and newer house mates and a fresh new perspective of self.

Let’s fast track a bit… and its been a three weeks!
Three weeks of being a wife, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law. Mostly, three weeks of being the ‘new one’ with all things new!

In all this newness, there isn’t a single day that has gone by where I haven’t thought of all the oldness.
Every morning. when I touch the feet of my new grandparents, I miss the morning green tea over news paper and some crisp sunlight with the ones back home.
When my new mother cooks something, it doesn’t even take my mind a second to rush back to the cooking of my mother’s hands.
When my new father says something to me, I can’t help but smile at how I have spent a majority part of conversations with baba in discussions and debates.
When I’m setting tasks to do on a specific day and settling in, I know I couldn’t have done it without drawing inferences from the lives of my brother and his wife (who I think of as my older sister).
When they sit and share stories and incidents from their own lives, I can’t help but miss our all nighters where all the cousins sat with junk and gossip, embarrassing one another with childhood stories and the shit storm we brewed as a bunch of hooligans.
As I meet the extended family here, I want to call my aunts and uncles- ones I have back home, and tell them that I’m more blessed than most because of them. I’ve had the luxury of being co-parented by so many. Love by all. Taught by all. Grown up amongst all.
When I see him bump into a friend on the street, I can’t help but wonder when I’ll next spend time with mine; my friends that have been family in more ways than I can fathom.
The times we sat on the swing discussing boys, friends, studies, sibling hatred, out collective dislike for specific vegetables and love for the most random things. Being each other’s fashion guides, trending lingo assistants, discussing dreams and how we’d blow the large bucks that the realisation of that dream would bring us. Our baseless fears and even worse coping mechanisms. Obsessing over coffee and cheese, ice creams and cakes. Reviewing new food joints, sharing music, talking of treks and all the places we’d visit and the causes we will volunteer for and the books we’ve read and the new workout plan that we’ve procrastinated over.

…WAIT…
Before I sound like I’m already venting and am a damsel in distress, let me give you some insight…

At 5 am, with sleep deprived eyes, under the weight of bridal ensemble, in front of at least three dozen pairs of glassy eyes, I had taken leave from all of them- with a twinkle in my eyes and laughter pouring out of my lips. Excited about the new and yet to be experienced, sure of the support from both ends and the unconditional love all around.
I agree, I haven’t felt the kind of warmth I experienced that morning ever before. With me as the point of everyone’s focus and all that intensity making me feel floaty.

Was I in denial? Should I have cried at the end of my single life?
I think not.
I wasn’t pressured into anything, there was a choice and chose this.
I have only grown fonder of the person whom I’m to spend the rest of my life with.
I treat the house as my own and not that of my in-laws.
My birth family will be 800kms away, but someone once said ‘distance makes the hearts grow fonder’… so what’s there to be sad about?
I’m not insensitive. I think of them more number of times than I’ll ever be able to admit. They are the reason behind who I am today.

I’m married. I miss my birth family. I wish to spend more Saturday evenings with my friends. I want those friendly banters with all my brothers and sisters.
I’ll have only so much of it.
I’m grateful. I love both my families. I have more brothers and sisters now. I’m living in and exploring an absolutely new city and its culture. I have more than I need.


According to Atharva Veda, marriage is detachment from my father’s clan because I’m to begin mine; It is my re-birth.


TO make my shift a little more comfortable Zoomin gave me the bst gift ever!

The Girl Gang

I got me a girl gang that stands as strong as blood

In the last decade of my extensive exposure to the internet and peeks into people’s personal lives that they’ve chosen to make public, I’ve always fancied the concept of a girl gang.
For a student who switched schools every few years, I didn’t see me having a group that knew one another from our own diapers to the time we were changing diapers. A group that knew each others secrets from the start, got their first racer bras together, had their nails painted and went from genre to genre marking our growth.

But Now…
Now that I’m preparing to change my last name, leave the town I’ve always called home for another, to having two sets of parents – one that got me into this world and another that got him into this world, from sharing my room with no one to creating a co-habiting space with another.
Now when I’m preparing to dawn a new skin and grow into it.
From being the younger sibling, the notorious one with a loud (almost wild) laughter, the whim thrower and the one always taken care of… a few weeks from now and I’m walking into being the eldest, expected to be responsible for more than myself, a benchmark setter of sorts, the one holding the baton of two families at once and creating a balance.
(I know I’m not the first one to go through this transformation and will not be the last)

But Now…
Now when I had to pick my gang and put us all together for a weekend, I knew I was blessed for having have met them at different points in my life. Over a weekend I had the luxury and good fortune of getting me a school friend, a friend from under-grad, a friend that came into my life as a gift from my brother and a friend who saw me through my masters (solo living away from home).
A bit nervous about this mixer, the weekend couldn’t have been better. While at the beginning I was the only common point for all of them from different phases of my life, they all walked away with new friends. And I walked away with a group that will remember my childhood dreams, my grad school ambitions and my crazed spirit- never letting me lose sight of who I am, who I can be.

I got me a girl gang, finally!
I got me a girl gang that has seen my drama.
I got me a girl gang that has done some really crazy things with me and for me.
I got me a girl gang that looks after me.
I got me a girl gang that taught me how to look out for each other.
I got me a girl gang that lets me vent so I can be my best version in the world.
I got me a girl gang that knows my story and doesn’t judge my dark spots.
I got me a girl gang that laughs, cries and dances with me.
I got me a girl gang that is just a call away, no matter how long it has been.
I got me a girl gang that appreciates my smarts but calls my bluff as it is.
I got me a girl gang that stands as strong as blood.

Here’s to my bunch and all your bunches that get you roaring!!